Someone recently asked me “does your mother-in-law read your blog?” and I laughed because honestly I don’t know if she does (if you do, hi Grier!). But I would be fine if she did. I guess I never really stopped and thought about how others might perceive my blog. I have never been a very secretive or modest person, so when I started this blog a couple of years ago, I never thought twice about sharing my story online. And as much as I would love to say my life is all sunshine and sewing beautiful dresses that I get to wear on all my fabulous adventures with my amazing husband, I can’t say that. That would just be a lie. Because some days don’t feel like rainbows and butterflies. Some days Will and I argue. Some days there are no adventures but instead sitting around in sweatpants and tears. I do try to blog about the good times, the happy times, the times that I stayed positive, and the times where I learned a valuable lesson that I can share with my readers. That is why I don’t vent on my blog every time I am upset. Or why some times I might go weeks without blogging. That is also why I didn’t blog about the day my friend Kevin died of cancer. Because that was not a good day. In fact it was a shitty day. Nothing positive happened. No lessons were learned. It just happened and it sucked. Some days are just plain shitty. But some days are better than others. Some days I feel funny or goofy or sexy and those days are bound to get a shock and awe blog post. But today felt like a shitty day. If you have read some of my other posts on infertility, than you know that we have been trying to get pregnant. We were pretty sure that this was the month. I mean come on. I drank my fertility smoothies every single day. My blood work looked fabulous. My follicles were nice and large and right where they needed to be to drop at least one big egg. Will’s sperm count was off the charts. I took my progesterone every night without hesitation. And not to mention, this just HAD to be the month. Purely because we’ve spent over $1000 in fertility treatment for just this month (well actually the total was $1286…for the month of May through now…and this is after insurance “payed” their part….but that’s an entirely different conversation for another day). All that money and all this effort, this had to be it. But it wasn’t. Big…fat…Negative. And what stinks the most is that feeling of hopelessness. That there is nothing I can do about it. Do I really have no control over my life? But then I sit back and think about that and I realize that is crazy talk. We all take life so seriously. Maybe its time I just listen to what life is telling me and wait. Just wait to see what life or the universe or God or Buddha or whatever has in store for me. And yes at this point we are praying to not just God but anyone else who will listen. But maybe that’s it. Thats the plan for this month. Step 1- stop being so serious. Step 2- just enjoy life and see what happens. Will we continue fertility treatments? Sure! If we can afford it. hehe. I’m not going to stop taking control of my life. But at the same time, maybe its good to be ok when things don’t work out the way I planned. And maybe this blog post will inspire some of you to take a step back, breathe, and realize that the universe might have something different planned for you that you would of never expected.
