Every year when the boys’ birthdays arrive, I spend the better part of the week walking down memory lane, engulfing myself in photos and home videos. Their birthdays are both on Tuesday but how did we get here so quickly? Has it really been seven years since the first day I held baby Liam on my chest? And how has it already been four years with our precious baby Bear?
So here I am, up past my bed time, knowing that in six hours or less I will be awoken by my children asking for waffles and searching feverishly for their book bags and tennis shoes. But I am here walking down memory lane. There is something so bittersweet in watching your children grow up right in front of you. You are so busy with the day to day hustle you may never know when the last little moment will be. When did they breastfeed for the last time? When was the last time Bear said “pa-jom-noms” instead of “pajamas?” When was the last time Liam begged me to scratch his back and sing “Moon River” until he fell asleep?” It all just happened one last time. And it’s not until I take that walk down memory lane that it all comes flooding back to me. That it all happened. That tiny squishy baby I still see in my dreams really happened. It was real. They were babies and then they were toddlers. And now… they’re not.
There is also something so unbelievably bittersweet about the way the way their faces have changed. Liam with his new adult toothed grin and scar on his eye from the pencil accident of 2021. Bear with his expressive big brown eyes and that one birth mark on his face which we have named “My Most Favorite Freckle In the World.” These faces I know so well. These faces I saw just a few hours ago. But when I take these walks down memory lane, pouring into videos of chubby babies and tiny toddlers staring back at me, my heart aches for those faces. Those little faces that I knew so well once upon a time. And I miss it so much. Liam with long curls down his neck that swayed from side to side when he shook his head. And Bear with cheeks so big I swear they took up his entire face. My gosh I miss it so much that it hurts. How is it possible to miss someone who has never left? The same faces are here today but they are so very different. I am absolutely in love with Liam’s new seven year old face and Bear’s growing four year old face. But I can’t deny I miss all the faces of the past.
Here I now sit, walking down memory lane. Listening to those voices and looking at the faces that only exist in photos, videos, and memories. And every so often I will see a photo and stop to catch my breath as I think “oh hi there sweet baby. It’s so good to see you again.” So now I will finally go put myself to bed for the night knowing that two big, growing boys will be awaiting me when I wake. And besides, we have two birthdays to start celebrating. I can always take these walks down memory lane another day or any time I need to have my babies back for a moment or two.
