A few friends and I were recently discussing the topic of: “when do you know if you’re done having children.” The conversation began as my close friend stood there while her two toddlers ran in circles around her legs, throwing sticks at one another, coming only inches from hitting each other in the eyes. She sighed and stated very confidently “oh I’m done.”
Another friend, who just had a baby boy and who also has a two year old daughter at home, replied that four members in a family is a good even number so she is pretty certain she is also done.
And then another friend of mine said something that has always stuck with me. She has four children ages ranging from preschool to high school and said she knew she was not done after three children because she looked around the room one day and felt like “we weren’t all here yet.” She vividly remembers sitting at the kitchen counter and looking at her beautiful healthy babies, but felt an ache in her stomach that someone was missing. Someone who should be in her family was not there. So they had a fourth child, a sweet little girl named Maisy. And after that she never felt the ache again.
This discussion on the finality of having children is one that has been weighing very heavily in my heart. And a decision that I have been discussing a lot lately with Will. On one hand we have four perfect healthy children. A solid, even Party of Six. We can afford to feed and clothe them and for now we can all fit into one vehicle.
But when I look around the house at my perfectly little family and I think to myself “are we all here yet?” my mind always wanders over to my embryo. To our last tiny frozen embryo who sets waiting in a frozen storage unit in a fertility center in Mt. Pleasant. I think of that embryo and my answer is always “no.” We are not all here yet.
To anyone who has ever gone through infertility, IVF, and embryo storage, you may understand where these feelings come from. We still have one frozen embryo. One perfectly frozen, highly ranked, five day old embryo. We worked so hard, both emotionally, physically, and financially, to make these embryos, the one that grew to become our 5 year old Liam, the one that became 2 year old Bear, and now our final one that has been frozen since late 2018. Our last embryo and what we thought would be our baby number three, although as you may recall, the universe had other plans in mind for that!
So those are the big questions. Are we done having children? Do we stop at four or do we transfer that last, final remaining embryo knowing that we could potentially end up with five children? I am well aware that five is an INSANE number of children. Five mouths to feed, five college education funds, five plane tickets for summer vacation. And what kind of car does a family of 7 even drive?! I will also be turning 40 next year, and although that is not old by any means, it is definitely something to consider. But are we all here yet? No. I don’t think that we are. A piece of my heart sits in that frozen storage center on the other side of town. So until we know what will become of that embryo, I will never feel like we are all here.
And I know many of you are seeing this and might possibly be deeply, profoundly rolling your eyes as you read my words. Because you would kill to be in my position. I know how unfair it is that I get to have four, possibly five children and you still have none. You are still waiting on your one good embryo. It is not fair. And it fucking sucks. I know this because I was you not that long ago. My heart goes out to all of you and I am thinking of you every day. Your heart may have to break a few more times before it finds a happy ending but I promise you it is coming. Please don’t give up on tomorrow. And please reach out if you ever need someone to talk to.
xx
Priscilla
