On April 6th at 8:31am and 8:32am, we welcomed Ziggy and Olive into the world. I won’t bore you with the “birth story” because in comparison to the hundreds of stories I have heard over the years, this one seems short and simple. We had a routine, scheduled c-section. And like the name says, it was very routine. Nothing felt rushed, no one seemed flustered or worried, the doctors were all calm and organized, and I had no complications. But how we got to the decision to do c-section, is a longer story…
For months and months leading up to April 6th I had hoped and prayed that I could go for a VBAC (vaginal birth after having a cesarean). My first son Liam was a natural, unmedicated vaginal delivery and as painful and crazy as that day was, it will still go down as the most wonderful and memorable day of my life.
Our second son Bear was positioned breech and we knew unless he flipped we would have to have a c-section. Alas, he did not flip and was born via cesarean.
Then came the twins. I anxiously held my breath each doctors appointment to hear if not one, but both babies were head down. My doctor and I discussed our options. I know all doctors have a different opinion but I fully trust my OB more than any doctor I have ever met in my life. She educated me that although there is only a 1% risk of uterine rupture during a VBAC, that risk goes up when the labor is induced with pitocin as the contractions are far more intense. So she advised us that if both babies were head down and I went into natural spontaneous labor, then I could go ahead and have a vaginal birth. But if either baby was breech or if the babies were not coming on their own and we had to induce labor, then she thought a c-section be the best option. So we had our plan… to not make a plan. To see how it goes and if the babies were not here by 38 weeks (which is full term for twins) then I would go in on that following Tuesday and have a c-section.
38 weeks came and went. And although I had fooled everyone, including myself, into believing that I was okay with a repeat c-section, the truth was I was not. In the hours leading up to my surgery, it slowly started to dawn on me that this is most likely my last pregnancy. And therefore I would never get that experience of going into labor at home. The thrill of waking up your husband and saying “I think I am going into labor!” Getting to time the contractions and then the excitement of going into the hospital and hearing how far along you are. I’ve never had that experience and even if I were to get pregnant again some day, the likelihood of having a VBAC after now TWO c-sections will be even lower. I also felt once again as if my body was, in a way, failing me. Again. Just as I had felt all those years through infertility and having miscarriages. That feeling that your body is not capable of doing the one thing it was designed to do. So I grieved the loss of this fairy tale birth story that I had imagined in my mind. I shed tears for a vaginal birth that I wouldn’t have and what it meant for any potential future pregnancies, instead of getting excited and embracing the miracle of a c-section birth. It’s a trivial thing to be upset about but in the moment it was how I felt.
So on April 6th after 38 weeks and 2 days of a twin pregnancy, Ziggy and Olive arrived via c-section. We said hello to our beautiful new babies and I said goodbye to the birth plan I had created in my mind and the feeling as if I had failed. Because at the end of the day all that matters is that this body got them here safely. My body did not fail me, in fact it gave me two of the most wonderful gifts in the world. Plans don’t always go the way you hoped and I have accepted that. But I am also here to say that once those babies are here, it doesn’t matter how it happened. All that matters is they are here. Safe and sound in my arms, right where they are supposed to be.
