This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and to celebrate I am sharing a condensed version of my infertility story and giving some advice on how you can talk to friends who are struggling with infertility.
From time to time you may see photos of my two boys scattered throughout my Instagram posts and here on the blog. They are my two little success stories, however getting to this point was a long and at times very difficulty road.
Our Story
After years of trying to get pregnant on our own, followed by several failed fertility procedures, I was finally told by a doctor that I may never get pregnant. I have what is called a “low ovarian reserve” which means my body does not have many eggs. Obviously you only need one egg to make a baby but there is never a guarantee each month when I ovulate that there will be an egg ready to go. A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever have. And as they get older the eggs get fewer and fewer. But in my case I already had fewer eggs even at a “younger” age. So my chances of having a baby were slim. Fast forward a few years later and Liam and Bear were both born following successful IVFs with ICIS. We are thankful everyday that modern medicine exists because I can’t image a world without them. As of today I am still always and forever “infertile” and growing our family will always hit us hard, emotionally, physically, and financially.
Some Useful Advice to Others
I have decided today to flip the script a bit and address this next section to those of you who have not gone through infertility but may know someone who has. Maybe a friend, loved one, co-worker, or neighbor has just told you she is having trouble getting pregnant. It is a normal to want to give comfort and support. But sometimes, and as is the case of infertility, less is more. So here are a list of things you SHOULD NOT say when your friend tells you she is having trouble getting pregnant:
- Just relax and it’ll happen.
- Stay positive.
- Don’t stress too much over it.
- Have you tried {insert sex position}? That’s how we got pregnant.
- Have you tried just doing it everyday?
- Everything happens for a reason.
- Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
- Keep your chin up.
- Why don’t you just adopt instead?
- At least you have another baby.
- You’re young, you still have time.
- Get drunk and have sex, it worked for me.
- At least you have all this free time without kids.
- You shouldn’t try to play God if you can’t get pregnant on your own.
- Things could be worth.
Things you CAN and SHOULD say:
- I know this sucks, I am here for you.
- I know you are hurting, I am hurting for you too, I love you.
Being supportive means different things for different people. But most people who live with infertility share the same feelings of despair, low self worth, and hopelessness. So it is important that you show with your words that their feelings are valid, they are important, and they are still loved. And sometimes showing you care can be as easy as giving a hug and saying nothing at all.
Giving an example of how your best friend’s cousin’s friend got pregnant is not helpful. Saying something to imply that “its not that big of a deal” is not helpful. And probably a general rule with infertility and pretty much any other situation in life, just don’t tell someone to relax. People don’t like that. 🙂
I hope that was helpful information to anyone who needs it. Until next time,
xx Priscilla
